When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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