Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
A+ Viking dick
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
