I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
