Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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