you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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