I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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