So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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