I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
