do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
