Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
