Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
