At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
