And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
