i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Randomize
