Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
