I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
