Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize