he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
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asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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