Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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