Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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