Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
