i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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