It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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