Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
