theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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