some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
