True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
