Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
