I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
