"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
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