i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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