I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
