So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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