the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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