I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
