It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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