Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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