I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
