i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
