i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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