The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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