You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
