My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
