I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Well I just put wine in my tea
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
