After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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