i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
