Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
