meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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