Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
