6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
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I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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