So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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