You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
