he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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