I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
