I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
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I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
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I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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