I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Randomize
