as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
