I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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