And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
