Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
