I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
