Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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