She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
