i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
