I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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